It is the first weekend of the 3rd lockdown in England, I got back to work as a spinner. Sunday morning, I took a picture of my vitamin tablets, and posted on my instagram. It’s not an awesome picture, but just had a feeling to update my “dead instagram” which I’ve been so lazy to post anything. 

I went through the photos I had on instagram, the question came up “where’ve this happy girl been?” Is it the old age? The work load? Or just simply the length of the lockdown? I did appreciate the lockdown, which had made me slowed down my life, and finally got to know what I’ve missed in the busy days. But did lockdown really change me to a different person?

Back to work in the village, I am still smiling, chatting, socialising. Compare to the photos on instagram, I wasn’t that pretty and that happy. Is it because of the social media actually showing the fake life of mine? Or was I just showing the brightness of my life to the world and hide the darkness at the same time?  

What made me happy? What will make my life more meaningful? I have no clue.

There’s no doubt that I was happy and free on the photos, what happened to me? I found myself very rush to earn money, push myself to work the hardest, the best, is it the midlife crisis? That I was so determined to retired to get on my dream life. I leave my current life behind, and I don’t enjoy it. Everyday is like a factory process, dim and dumb. 

In China, everybody are the same, rushy and pushy, and we do entertain ourselves by eating out, shopping, traveling and etc. But you feel no difference as everybody are the same, you don’t complain because the one next to you also work hard and play hard. However, I moved to England, I was trying so hard to settle down, to make a living, I entertain myself by traveling few times each year. Oh yeah, the pandemic stopped me. 

How can people have a break of life when they just simply have a day off? I miss the previous me.

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